


Terrible Two

by hitagashi



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack Pairings, F/F, Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-18
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-29 18:09:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/689935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitagashi/pseuds/hitagashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dís and Lobelia, spouses and the Terrible Two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Terrible Two

**Author's Note:**

> .... I might have to ship this. This got way out of hand.
> 
> For the [kink meme](http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/3393.html?thread=5630529#t5630529):
> 
> "So I've seen a few Thorin/Lobelia prompts, but how about pairing up middle-earth's two most bad-ass ladies?
> 
> +1000 if their families being slightly terrified when they find out."

They found out rather abruptly, no one quite understanding just why Otho was moving back into his family's home and why Lobelia was sporting _braids_ in her hair that were distinctly dwarf-made. It was when a wedding was announced that they all found out, really. Lobelia marching straight up to Thorin, boxing him over the ears, and then stating quite plainly that she was marrying his sister, good evening and thank you. Bilbo had laughed at the sputtering and red mess he'd made.

And while a dwarf only truly loved once, Dís had been very clear in that, while she cared deeply for her husband, he wasn't her only. As she'd been saying for years. Years of this. And that was why Lobelia had hit a dwarf king apparently. Her marriage to her own husband had been more because it was the thing to do. And now, however, Bilbo was secretly greatly amused at the terror that was about to unfold.

The planning was simple. Or rather, it was easy to tell who was being saddled with it all. Lobelia was very specific in what she wanted for her wedding day, and Dís just laughed at the fact that her intended was cowing dwarf and hobbit alike with a single look. Truly a fearsome warrior, she felt. In the best sense of it. When the hobbit lass was about ready to burst in anger over something, that was when the terror of the two changed into genuine awe of Dís. The royal would scoop the smaller woman to her and press a soft kiss to her brow. The usually shrill Lobelia would flush and settle into the other woman's embrace with a small smile.

And then return to snapping orders and brandishing her skillet.

Of course, things could have gone better. Due to the size of the wedding itself they'd decided to be wed in Ered Luin. It was closer than Erebor and large enough to handle the Shire and whoever else was there. On the journey there Lobelia had wielded her skillet with extreme prejudice against anyone stepping close to her wedding party. As it consisted of the Company and Dís, she would take no chances.

What drove Bilbo to laughing so hard he cracked his head on the stone floor was when Dain tried to tell Lobelia where she could have her wedding within the mountain fortress. The terror of a woman had hit the dwarf king over the head with her skillet. Down, left, right, up, right, down went her skillet. Her fellow hobbit had burst out laughing at the confusion all around and toppled forward. Lobelia had tutted, something about stupid hobbit with his hard head while he laughed to gasping.

The wedding came far too soon for the pair (and Bilbo but no one needed to know that) but not soon enough for anyone else. Especially Dain. Dain had met the pan end of The Skillet enough to where if Lobelia was in the room he'd taken to wearing a _helmet_ around her. Apparently Dís thought this absolutely hilarious and encouraged it.

But the wedding was a beautiful combination of dwarf and hobbit culture. Lobelia's white dress was accented with blues, the flower crown in her hair had swirls of blue dye on the petals. As was custom, she'd braided a jasmine flower into her betrothed's hair, something that stood out harshly from Dís' ebony locks. She'd even stuck a few smaller ones into the woman's beard. But the most important tradition was weaving a flower crown of her namesake and her feelings for the person.

Lobelia twined and twisted with Arbutus and Ambrosia. Lobelia, with its meaning of malevolence, mixed with Arbutus' "you're the only one I love" and Ambrosia's simple saying that love is reciprocated. To anyone who knew anything, it spoke of a fierce and possessive love for the person. But what struck those that knew the language of flowers was the single Balsam framed on either side by Arum. An ardent love so strong her possessive nature was explained.

Lobelia's was odd, in that Dís had no namesake. She merely twined together things that seemed right. Balsam by either ear, Arbutus hanging down the back, Berrirose curled up over her temples, Oak leaves were twisted around the base braid, Phlox along the back of it, Forget-me-not flowers covered the front of the crown, two Red Roses on either side of each of the Balsam, and a single Red Carnation at the front. All together it spoke of love, love so deep and strong it was woven into the marriage itself.

Balsam's being by the ear meant an ardent and passionate love that she'd always reaffirm. Arbutus hanging down the back of her hair showed it was an eternal sort of only love, perfect to signify a dwarf's One. Berrirose showed Lobelia's decision to leave Otho and a loveless marriage, Dís' promise to stay with Lobelia in this world and the next, and an eternal love (much like the Jasmine braided into her own hair). Oak leaves spoke of strength, of spirit and mind and that it was twined into the base showed strength in the meanings of the rest. Phlox showed the harmony of them. Forget-me-not and Red Roses flowers meant true love. And the Red Carnation, single as it was, spoke of a deep and passionate love for the woman across from her.

All in all, this would be a ceremony written down for hobbit history and many would wish for such a romantic love as the Lady Dís and Miss Lobelia Bracegirdle's. But for those there, what was most memorable was the vows, the song (as was dwarf tradition), the kiss, and the genuine smile on Lobelia's face.

"Of all my years, I will never love another as I love you, my One and my Only. No matter the circumstance, nothing shall part us." Many hobbit lasses (and lads) and many, many dwarfs sighed at the sweet words. "And when we pass, we shall meet in the Mahal's home and hold each other until the world is remade." Lobelia raised a single brow, smile in place when it was her turn.

"I don't know about meeting in your Mahal's home, I'd rather meet you in a field of jasmine." And the hobbits swooned a bit, she almost, almost snorted. "Eternal love, that's what that means. And none of this 'until the world is remade' jargon." She let out a huff and gave a beaming smile to her spouse. "You're quite stuck with me even after that, don't you try and weasel out of it now!" Cheers came up and Dís flushed happily. Her beard was tugged on and the dwarf maiden tipped forward and Lobelia backwards.

The kiss was short but meaningful and the hobbit woman had flushed brightly after. Her hand tapped the bearded woman's arm, lips thinning at being so... _manhandled_. But it was an affectionate thing. The song that followed was deep and sweet, sung in Common as it was, Dís had promised to sing it in Khudzul when they were alone... later.

And so it passed that Lady Dís, daughter of Thráin, son of Thrór wed to Miss Lobelia Bracegirdle of the Shire. Their tale was told even when the reign of Men began some many years later.

To those who knew the pair personally, they were dubbed the Terrible Two, the most terrifying, fantastically, remarkably outrageous pair to ever exist.

(And yes, Bilbo did laugh at that as well.)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own The Hobbit and make no money from these writings.
> 
> PS Dís' beard is fabulous.


End file.
